As a life-coach and especially as a woman who’s always loved to explore the intricacies of feelings, I ask that question {in my title} a lot. That’s because most people tend to answer with what they think about a subject or proceed to tell me what they’ve done with that situation and slip right past the emotions!

3 common ways people tend to deal with their emotions:

1. Stuffers – choose to stuff their feelings whenever they feel a vulnerable or socially unacceptable emotion.
2. Venters – choose to release their emotions all over whomever’s near in the name of “authenticity”—often using their emotions as weapons.
3. Retaliators – choose a more “guerilla warfare” tactic when dealing with their emotions. They hide them from others but then subtly slip them in with “razor edges” in an attempt to manipulate or control.

All of the above are natural tendencies but not healthy. Ironically, we’re often drawn to a mate who practices the opposite characteristics, creating an ongoing power struggle.

4 Healthy Ways to Deal with Our Emotions:

1. Realize that our emotions matter and that God gave them to us for a purpose. They cannot be buried, because when we try, we bury them “alive!” Then “emotional zombies” begin to haunt us!
2. Learn to be more aware of them when they occur or soon after they occur.
3. Learn to express them respectfully to the safe people in our lives—including and especially God! {Remember, confession brings healing! James 5:16}
4. Evaluate our feelings and seek to understand them more. The best way to start this is to ask God to help you recognize your emotions and help you to understand them.

How can you encourage your spouse to open up and talk about his/her emotions with you?

First of all, don’t try to “fix” your spouse. Don’t make your spouse your “project” but rather encourage and influence them by your example. This also means you need to always be respectful and avoid sharing negative emotions about your spouse—at least in the beginning of this process. You’ll only discourage your spouse from sharing more with you, if s/he feels being open with you opens the door to judgment or blame.

Secondly, work on some of the “4 Healthy Ways to Deal with Our Emotions“ mentioned above. Choose one or two and start finding ways to improve in this area. For example, if you struggle with being aware of how you feel, ask God to nudge you the next time you have a troubling emotion. If you’re still unsure about what you feel, refer to this list and choose one that’s closest to it. Then you might want to pray, journal and/or share it with a trusted friend.

Thirdly, if your spouse is interested {and ONLY if s/he is interested—no arm twisting!} you could begin a daily practice of what my husband and I lovingly refer to as “P.E.A.” Sometimes we even jokingly say that we “PEA” on each other every day! 😛 The can of peas pictured above is a small visual reminder for us to do this daily.

3 Ways to Connect

1. P – stands for pray a short prayer together {either silently or out loud with your mate or on your own “for” your marriage}.
2. E – stands for share an emotion that you had that day with your mate {again, don’t share negative emotions you have about your spouse at this time!}.
3. A – stands for affirm your spouse! You might even want to ask your spouse, what areas of your life would you like me to notice more and affirm in you? Then do it!

If you take these small steps—given time and consistency—you’ll create the right environment for heartfelt conversations to grow and flourish. I know, because that’s exactly what is growing in my own marriage! {Click here for a printable of “P.E.A.”}

What can you add to my ideas here—that increased your emotional openness and intimacy with your spouse?

What would you urge us to “avoid” when trying to encourage “heart-to-heart” conversations in marriage?

Thanks to Deborah for commenting on my latest video, which you can find here. This post was my attempt to answer her question. So don’t forget that your comments and questions are very helpful to me and to others!

Joining with my friends at  Works for Me Wednesday, Coffee and Conversation, Wholehearted Wednesday, Whimsical Wednesday,  What You Wish Wednesday, and Essential Fridays.

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