Falling Forward

Sometimes I let the doubts about who I am—messiness and all—get me down.

I wonder, How can I ever lead others into healing and wholeness in marriage or life, if I don’t have it all together myself?  

The reality is that very often I don’t feel qualified. I don’t feel capable. I don’t feel strong enough or useful enough.

I think that sometimes people look at me as a pastor’s wife or as a counselor and think that I must be super healthy and always make the "proactive" choice. But the reality is that I’m human and fall down …

A.lot.

So then, you might ask me, What qualifies you to help others?  

I think it’s because every single time I falter or fall (and to be clear, I'm not talking "falling" in an immoral sense!),  I make the choice to ...

Reach for Christ's hand and he helps me get back up. 

The fact is, if I tried to “get up” on my own, I’d fall right back down ... on my fanny. (I know, because I've tried!)

So it all comes down to learning how to fall forward.

Let me give you a day in the life …

When I sense those negative internal messages popping up, I may indulge them depending on my circumstances or my hormones for a while. Sometimes it actually feels good to feel sorry for myself—to hunker down in my sweet-pity-pot-spot. I might actually stay there a while if I don’t …

Refuel

1. Pray and read my Bible daily – I really need my time with God or I fall prey to Satan’s schemes. He wants to see me defeated—especially since I’m trying to help others. (Eph. 6:11)
2. Make time for (same-sex) godly friendships – if I don’t get my regular “girlfriend time,” I grow weary and more negative. It’s just a given. (Heb. 10:24-5)

Those practices and outlets are the foundation, but in order to truly fall forward I must also …

Rest in Christ

I can’t change my messes, failures or even my insecurities.  

I.try.but.I.just.can’t. 

However, when I rest in or surrender to Christ’s work in my life, things change—I change.

Christ is a gentleman and never barges in on my messes. But when I invite him to help me, he begins the work of redeeming the messes I’ve made. He redeems not only the messes in my marriage, but also the mess that I am.

When I’ve surrendered that hurt, that insecurity—that mess to Christ—I am able to stand again. Then he gives me …

Resiliency

God allows me to experience empty, dry places. He walks with me through those hard times or those insecure moments, teaching me, not just how to get up from my fall, but also how to take steps forward after the fall. So I take every problem I’m facing and learn from it. I ask Christ to help me use it for good in my life and in other’s lives. 

I’m not perfect—never claimed to be. But I’m not going to stay down after a fall as long as I’ve got the great, big, strong God that I do! How about you?

Photo by ShutterMoth (Flickr)

Today's Post is Linked to - No Ordinary Blog Hop
 

Giving My Husband the "Royal Treatment"

I’ve shared this before—I’m a genealogy geek. And I’ve snagged some interesting findings that reveal a lot about me, my husband, and ironically, our relationship. Here’s some of what I’ve found …

I have several very distant lines that lead to royalty in my family. I’m a descendant of dozens of knights of England, several medieval crusaders from France, several French kings, and last but not least, the famous emperor Charlemagne.

Amazingly, my husband also has royalty in his family tree. His ancestors include many knights from England, one who was Lord Mayor of London in 1563 (who also had a bad habit of speaking his mind a little too freely about Queen Elisabeth the first, and often found himself jailed for such disrespect). Finally, this line goes back even further to several kings in ancient Wales, France and Italy.

But what’s even more mind-blowing, I discovered that within this royal line of my husband’s is an ancestor, “Moses White,” who's also an ancestor of mine! Moses is our shared great-grandfather eight generations back. I guess you could say that makes us “kissing cousins!” Yikes!

Now I’m not telling all this just to brag on our illustrious ancestral history (well, just a little), but mostly I want to say, this really explains A WHOLE LOT.

• First of all, it explains why I try to rule over my husband like I’m his “lord and master.”
• I often think I’m queen of our castle and try to “chop his head off,” if he resists my orders.
• I can let my tongue fly a little too freely just like my dear old jailbird grandpappy.
• And I can be just like those chivalrous knights and crusaders when I “fight to the death” over an issue simply because I think the principle is true, or more importantly—that I’m right!

But then I come smack dab, nose to nose with a passage like this …

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Ephesians 5:23-24 (NIV)

Ancestral excuses aside, it doesn’t matter how I’m wired or who I'm descended from or how true my purpose is (which usually isn't as true as I think it is). God wants me to submit to my husband and not because my husband is superior to me. God wants me to learn to give my husband what he needs for our relationship to be solid and strong ...

Because every husband needs respect. 

And I cannot respect my husband without submitting—listening to, taking in, accepting, honoring—my husband.

And what about verse 25 in that same passage?

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her …”

I don’t know about you, but submitting doesn’t seem nearly as tall a task as loving and giving up your life for your spouse. Wives, I really think we've got the good end of the bargain here!

Now I must admit that this is still a work in progress for me. I'm strong willed and a little too analytical to let things slide easily … But I’ve come to recognize the power of submitting and respecting my husband. Yes, I said “POWER.”

When I’m humble and give my husband the respect and honor he deserves, I infuse my marriage with a power that could only come from the true King of Kings—Jesus! 

BTW, a great book on this subject is Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs - check it out!

Photo by epSos.de (Flickr) 

Today's Post is Linked to - No Ordinary Blog Hop and

Spouse Resistant to Counseling?

Last week, I responded to a question from a commenter regarding a spouse who's resistant to going to marriage counseling. After breaking the question down into two concerns, today I'm addressing the second concern ...

What if you or your spouse had a bad experience with counseling, is counseling really necessary and helpful? 

The short answer is "yes," but you still have to accept and deal with where your spouse is. Like I mentioned last week, it's unwise and counter-productive to try to manipulate or force your spouse into doing anything, including going to counseling. Part of accepting and dealing with this resistance means understanding your spouse's negative feelings regarding his past counseling experience. This involves developing empathy. 

Ways to Develop Empathy

1. Pray regularly that God would open your eyes and heart to the hurts and fears of your spouse. No one can help us comprehend our spouse's heart better than God. 
2. Forgive your spouse. Make a decision based upon the forgiveness you've received from Christ to act in a forgiving and loving way toward your spouse. This is "Decisional Forgiveness" and if you continue to harbor resentments toward your spouse after making this conscious choice, then you'll need to work through an "Emotional Forgiveness" process. A great book to help you through this is Forgiving and Reconciling by Everett Worthington. Reading and truly working through the exercises he suggests will help your resentments to lift and your heart to heal.  
3. Respectfully and lovingly ask your spouse to share about the bad counseling experience with you. This means that your only agenda is to learn about what your spouse has experienced. Avoid any suggestion that you're trying to talk him into going to counseling with you. If you have any lingering frustrations about his resistance to counseling, then put off this conversation until you are able to freely offer comfort and a listening heart. 
4. Use Reflective Listening not just for the conversation above, but in all your conversations. Reflective Listening will help you to understand and access the emotions of your spouse (and others)—improving empathy. Click here for a Reflective Listening Exercise.
5. Journal about your feelings. Becoming in-tune with how "you" feel will help you tune-in to other's feelings including your spouse's. 

Empathy will bring you and your spouse closer together, and in time may resolve the need for counseling. But if you have practiced these steps and still feel that counseling is necessary, then consider asking your spouse if you could talk through issues on your own with a counselor or pastor. Often a spouse is fine with the other spouse going on his/her own, but the resistant spouse may draw the line at being asked to be a part of it. 

Going to counseling on your own can be very empowering, even if it isn't with your spouse. With the help of a counselor or pastor, you can find support and new ways to cope in your difficult marriage. And if you really give yourself to the process, your attitude and behavior will improve over time. This may just be the incentive your spouse needs—seeing you change can open his/her eyes to the need for counseling as well.

Photo by kaye_d23 (Flickr)

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Differences

Written by Heather Copple

Messy Marriage Team Member

Scott and I look at the world very differently for many reasons. Our gender, our childhoods and our personalities are the main reasons for those differences. Some of the differences bring out the best in each other and some don't really do anything good or bad, but some can really cause us problems. I know for certain that I can drive Scott crazy with how very different I am from him, but over the years we’ve learned to appreciate both the good and the “crazy-making” in our differences.

An example of a good difference that has made me better is that Scott doesn't worry. 

My hubby is so laid back and calm and has always been that way. 

But this difference has helped me immeasurably, because I am not so calm and laid back. 

I am active. Good times or bad times, I'm going, moving, thinking and planning. 

This difference between us taught me that it is okay to pause and be still. Scott was able to show me that just hanging out is okay and fun. Now I allow myself to let things go and just sit back and relax more often. I truly enjoyed my kid’s babyhood more because I let the dishes and laundry go for a couple of hours and spent that time cuddling with my family.

Some of our differences are not good or bad—just different. An example of this is that Scott loves golf and I don't really care for it. 

He loves to play, read and watch stuff about golf. 

I would rather not. 

Again, I have learned from this difference. I learned that my hubby enjoys telling me about golf. He likes me to watch it with him. 

I love my husband and so I should learn to appreciate those things that make him smile. 

His eyes light up whenever golf is involved and I love seeing him this way. So I watch golf and talk to him about it often. I want him to share all of himself with me—so I have learned a lot about golf over the years and actually appreciate the sport more now because of Scott.

Some of our differences can cause huge problems in our marriage. Scott and I act very differently in our abilities to remember things. 

I am not forgetful …

and Scott just is. 

This has caused many moments of frustration and strife between us. I would get so upset when Scott forgot something, so I had to figure out how to handle these moments. We decided that a “honey-do” list was the answer. Now, I write things down on paper for Scott to refer to and remember. He can't always help that he forgets stuff. And I remind myself he has never forgotten the really important stuff like the kids, or me!

Scott and I are so very different from each other and that enriches our marriage. 

I fell in love with Scott—the laid back, golf-loving, forgetful guy. 

He got me—a hyper, non-golf-loving and not forgetful girl. 

I am ecstatic that he fell in love with me. Everything about this man has helped me to be a better person, mom and spouse. His differences help me to push myself out of my comfort zone.

What differences do you love about your spouse? 

What differences drive you crazy? 

How have you handled the differences in your marriage?

“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same spirit.” 1 Corinthians 12:4 (NIV)

“If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” Ecclesiastes 4:10 (NIV)

Photo by cristina photographs (Flickr) 

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Loving When Love Is Difficult

Recently, I had a commenter ask me this question:

What if your husband won't go to counseling because he did with his ex-wife and he feels there is nothing wrong with him and he won't let you go?

First of all, forcing your spouse to go to counseling is not wise, nor is trying to rebel against his wishes. So instead, I would like to address the two other questions this problem raises:

1. What can you do to make your marriage better, if counseling is not an option?
2. What if you or your spouse had a bad experience with counseling, is it really necessary and helpful?

I will answer #2 next week, but today, I want to address the first question with one of the greatest Bible verses –

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

So my answer is …

You can LOVE your spouse.

Are you shaking your head in disbelief?

Are you frustrated that my answer is so simple and so obvious?

Well, loving our spouse is certainly not simple and it’s definitely not easy. But let me elaborate on the many ways you can LOVE your spouse when your marriage is messy and even when it's not.

Own Your Part

Yes, you have a negative contribution to your messy marriage. Maybe it's not nearly as much as your spouse's, but it is where you can begin to work. Remember, you can't change others, but you can influence your spouse and the greatest influence is LOVE!

Pray for Your Spouse Daily

This can involve praying for the problems you see in your spouse, but even better, praying for God to enable you to LOVE your spouse like Christ loves you and your spouse!

Commit to the 4 A's

Acceptance

Don't just tolerate your spouse, but really choose to extend grace and forgiveness for those offenses that seem wrong or hurtful. I know, I know, this one is SUPER hard, especially if your spouse has been very critical of you. But don't knock it till you try commit to LOVE your spouse. 

Affirmation 

Commit to sharing at least one daily affirmation with your spouse. It may seem impossible, but you can find one thing to affirm each day, like how he/she turns the light off when leaving a room or how he/she never forgets to pay the bills on time, etc.

Admiration

Intentionally choose to focus on the good in your spouse, rather than the bad. It may seem like there is nothing good right now, but that's probably because you've allowed yourself to dwell on the bad for much too long.

Affection

Get out of your comfort zone and touch your spouse in a loving way. It doesn't have to be a kiss or embrace, but any loving action can be a "game changer" for your spouse.

Commit to LOVE your spouse in these ways for the next 3 months. If you are consistent, then I believe you will really see an improvement in your marriage. Remember, if you can't go to a counselor, then there's really nothing to lose and everything to gain! That's because extending LOVE to your spouse will not only bless your spouse, but bless you as well!

*If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek the help of a domestic abuse shelter for guidance and protection.   

Photo credit - Love Stone Heart by Tungphoto

Today's Post is Linked to - No Ordinary Blog Hop and

Avoiding the Slide to a Boring Marriage

Today we join, Marriage Monday, where we are exploring the many ways we keep our marriages fresh, never frozen.

My husband Gary and I know that if we let it, our marriage can get a bit dry and boring. I think of it as a garden. You have to constantly tend to a garden—watering it, feeding it, and stomping out any thing that threatens your beautiful plants in order to keep them thriving and blooming. Gary and I have tended to our relationship in a similar way by …

1.  Making Time for Each Other 

Some of the ways we do this include:

• Touching base and praying daily
• Having a weekly uninterrupted “Talk Time” (for about an hour)
• Spending a day off each week together trying to include at least one or two fun date type activities in that day
• Go on an annual marriage retreat that, thankfully, our church hosts each February. (In fact, it’s this coming weekend!)
• Take an annual weekend or longer trip together (without the kids) to a fun or romantic destination

2.  Do “Different” Activities

There's research to back this up that says, when we do something new it creates new pathways in our brains, helping us to banish boredom and invite exhilaration into our relationship and lives. 

Some of the different things we’ve done over the years are:

Take a trolley bus tour of our very interesting nearby city, St. Louis, Missouri. We were told so much history and trivia, as well as, pointing out other exciting tourist destinations on the ride. This is especially astonishing since I'm a native of St. Louis. Check with your local city for something similar.

The view atop "Art Hill", a stop on our trolley tour in St. Louis, Missouri

Go for a ride along a picturesque highway. We have one nearby that the locals call the Alton “Great River Road” that runs alongside the Mississippi River. The bluffs that crash down into the edge of the river make for a breath-taking landscape especially in the fall and spring.

Gary between Obama and Jesus! Lol!

Visit a local wax or other type of museum. We visited a St. Louis wax museum and were left less than impressed. But it still made for a hilarious time of making fun of the terrible displays! (BTW, the picture captures two of the museum's more impressive figures! No political statement intended!)

Go cemetery hunting. I know this one sounds weird, perhaps because it is! As I've confessed before, I'm a genealogy geek and love to hunt down my ancestor’s graves, but sometimes it’s just interesting to read the headstones of unknown others who've gone before us.

3.  Encourage Conversation

Who said conversation is easy? They never lived in my male dominated household! I think it’s very easy to become so familiar with each other that you don’t have anything new to talk about. So a while back, we bought a book, The Complete Book of Questions that we keep handy at our dinner table and often grab when we are headed out for a date. This book helps not only us to find out new things about each other, but gets our teen sons into the conversation act at dinner time when they might have previously sat like bumps on a log. Since all the questions are numbered from 1 to 1001, our sons have become used to the question, “What number do you want tonight?”

These are just a few of the ways my husband and I fight the drift toward boredom. 

Please join in the conversation and tell me what you and your spouse do to inject some excitement and freshness into your marriage.

Today's Post is Linked to - No Ordinary Blog Hop and

Boundary Lesson #1 - When Your Spouse Won't Go to Bat For You

Recently I suggested that I would be writing a post on how to set boundaries. But as I pondered this, I decided that giving specific boundary violation scenarios might be more practical and understandable. The first is a common scenario we might face with in-laws.

Let's say there's a mother-in-law who makes a habit of criticizing you to your spouse (her biological child).

But let's up the ante and say that your spouse does nothing to stop her.

Let's say, he doesn’t confront his mother. He doesn’t interrupt her. He doesn’t do a sidebar with her to respectfully address her behavior. He just lets it continue and basically puts his stamp of approval on the whole disrespectful game his mother is playing.

So how should the wife deal with this issue?
 

First of all, she should not try to “give him a taste of his own medicine” by calling him out on it in front of his mother or others. That’s the proverbial “pot-calling-the-kettle-black” move. It might feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t work. In fact, it backfires on everyone in earshot!

So here's what any of us can do in a similar situation:

1. Surrender your anger or fear to God. 
Trust him to “convict” your spouse or MIL. It's not your job to convince your spouse of their guilt, but simply to communicate your boundary to him or her. 

2. Seek the perspective and support of a counselor, pastor or objective friend.
Nuff said.
 
3. Plan out “The Talk” 
With the help of your objective counsel, write out what you want to say and practice it until you feel ready to have “The Talk.”

4. Have … “The Talk”

You might want to begin by acknowledging your part in the situation, even if your only contribution is withdrawing or harboring resentment. Doing this helps you gain empathy and extend the much needed "olive branch." It also helps the other person to drop their defenses and really listen to what you have to say. Then express your boundary with this formula:

I feel ­­(describe your feelings) when you (describe offender's hurtful behavior) and would like for you to ­­­­(describe desired change). Is that possible?

If you find that you are not able to amicably discuss the issue using this formula, then you might want to seek the help of a good, Christian counselor or pastor to guide you as a couple through this process.

Final thoughts: In this particular situation, I believe the wife should not have this conversation with the MIL. The MIL is basically acting as "intruder" on this marriage relationship. The husband and wife should first work through this problem together.

When the husband is willing and ready, he should set the final boundary with his mother, asking her not to criticize or disrespect his wife. Conversely, if it's the wife’s parent who's being disrespectful, then the wife should set the boundary with her parent.

These kinds of boundary issues are very complex and often don't go as easily as we might hope. However, if you use some of the strategies I've outlined here in your situation, you might not solve the problem, but at least it can help you move in the right direction.

Photo by JaneyHenning

Today's Post is Linked to - No Ordinary Blog Hop and