Do you ever feel like you can never satisfy your spouse? 

Do you get into arguments over who’s right or how something should be done? 

Do you sometimes feel like you’re in competition with your spouse?

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then you might be married to or be “the perfectionist” spouse in your marriage.

Heaven help you if you’re like me and both you and your spouse are perfectionists! Yikes!

Ironically, the perfectionist spouse often makes a marriage messier by his/her continual efforts to achieve perfection. It can be discouraging to be married to a perfectionist and, conversely, frustrating to be married to a mate who isn’t achieving your ideal standard!

What’s even more paradoxical, you probably were drawn to your spouse because of some very positive perfectionist traits, like the fact that s/he is:

• Committed
• Observant
• Hard-working
• Loyal
• Conscientious
• An achiever
• Detail-oriented
• A good leader/manager

So how do you deal with your spouse’s incessant need for perfection? Or what if you’re the one driving your spouse crazy with all of your rules and “oughts”?

First of all, I have to say that I’m a perfectionist who hasn’t figured out “perfectly” how to do this yet. But there’s one thing I do know, learning to accept the imperfect in both myself and my spouse is the pathway there.

This means daily learning how to grasp for God’s ever-available grace.

So when I’m dealing with my spouse’s crazy-making criticalness, I need to look to God to help me extend grace to my husband. I need to see that my spouse is flawed and human, and won’t always see how his high standards are coming across. I need to forgive him, even if he doesn’t see or admit his fault. I need to be kind and loving—seeking to focus on the good in him, rather than becoming bitter because of the bad I’m momentarily experiencing.

And when I’m the one doling out the A+ attitude, I need to turn to God again for perspective. I need to take a sober view of my expectations and see that what feels like a “need” is probably more of a “want” instead. Surrendering that sense of entitlement to God is a beginning point. Recognizing just how flawed and human I am is another step in the right direction. Apologizing for being demanding or critical is yet another.

What about you? Are you a perfectionist or married to one?

How do you positively or negatively deal with the struggles that come with perfectionism?

“For by the grace given me I say to everyone one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” –Romans 12:3 (NIV)

Linking up with - NOBH, Monday's Musings, Marriage Moments Monday, Making Your Home Sing Monday, Matrimonial Monday, Playdates with God and Marriage Monday's

I hear a lot about Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages and I believe this book is very helpful. But Dr. Chapman also wrote The Five Languages of Apology and understanding these five are equally as practical and necessary, yet they often overlooked.

Gary Chapman’s 5 Apology Languages:

1. Language #1: Expressing Regret or “I am sorry.”
2. Language #2: Accepting Responsibility or “I was wrong.”
3. Language #3: Making Restitution or “What can I do to make it right?”
4. Language #4: Genuinely Repenting or “I’ll try not to do that again.”
5. Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness or “Will you please forgive me?”

When I’m hurt, it’s as if a huge chasm develops between me and my husband. So what my husband says to me in his apology is very important to bridging the divide. It helps me to drop my guard and gives me the desire to move closer to him once again.

My husband can get angry very quickly, but he's also very quick to apologize. His emotional responses move at lightning speed compared to mine—being slower to get angry and, unfortunately, slower to apologize. So when my hubby apologizes I’m always wondering if he’s really sincere, because it seems impossible for me to “get there”—to jump that chasm—as fast as he has. I need specific words or actions that remove my doubts.

You probably have a preference in what you need to hear in order to move more quickly toward embracing your spouse’s apology as well.

Additional questions to help clarify what your language is:

• What do I expect the person to do or say?
• What hurts most deeply about this situation? (What do you want to receive from your offender?)
• What language is most important when I apologize?

You might want to hear more than one of the Apology Languages to feel satisfied. I know, I do. I appreciate hearing Language #2 “Expressing Regret” and Language #3 “Making Restitution” when someone, especially my spouse, apologizes.

If you are able to express and hear the appropriate apology language being spoken, you and your spouse will more quickly move toward healing your wounds and regaining emotional closeness—bridging that gap caused by the offense. Consider getting the book and discussing this important aspect of good communication with your spouse today!

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” –Proverbs 28:13 (NIV)

What about you? Which of the languages do you feel you most need to hear?

What makes that language important to you?


Joining with NOBH, Marriage Moments Monday, Works for Me Wednesday, T.G.I.F., and To Love Honor and Vacuum

WW rules:

1. Write in any way you feel inspired about marriage, parenthood or anything that reflects Christ's redemption in your life.
2. Be sure to include a link to Wedded Wednesday or add the WW button to your current blog post and/or sidebar.
3. Visit and comment on at least one other person's blog that's linked up here.

Optional but encouraged:

• Consider setting up your Gravatar profile and Disqus Profile with a link to your blog ... it makes it so much easier for all of us to find those of you who blog!
• If you have the time, visit those who visit your blog and comment at their place as well ... sort of a "Say it forward."

The "Share Your Story" for May is by
Kim Hall who blogs at 
Too Darn Happy




 
My husband and I were blissful spenders. While we didn't take on lots of debt, we also didn't have an emergency fund.

The sad reality is that for years we were completely unaware of how close we regularly walked up to our financial edge. We actually thought we were wise and thrifty.

What finally opened our eyes was a major negative life event that statistically 4 out of 5 of us will face in any given ten year period. For us, it was the combination of a health scare and a routine health issue that would require $5,000 out of pocket in a matter of months.









That got us scrabbling away from the cliff in a hurry, right into a Financial Peace University Class, where we learned 7 out of 10 people earning middle incomes were living paycheck to paycheck just like us, and for those in the higher brackets, it was 8 out of 10.

Yikes.

To be completely honest, we did a whole lot of financial stupid.

But at least we didn't fight about it. :-)

To the contrary, we ran arm in arm, pellmell, down the road of financial foolishness, enabling each other at every turn.

People who know us have had trouble believing our story because we just don’t seem to be the kind of people who would do stupid.

Oh, my.

How amazingly good we are at hiding things.

There was the big stupid:

• Taking our baby girl and our just paid for cream puff of a car to the local dealership "just to look", and driving away with a brand new leased mini-van, complete with a big monthly payment, but nothing to show for the car we left behind.
• Getting so caught up in the fever of “The rates are so low that you just HAVE to buy a bigger, nicer house RIGHT NOW!” that we soon found ourselves doing just that, with a much larger, longer mortgage and higher property taxes to match.

But it was really the little stupid that brought us to the brink:

• Buying “something shiny” that just caught our eye.
• Ordering “something important” we were sure we would ultimately sell, unused, at a yard sale for a loss.
• Letting hundreds and thousands of dollars dribble through our fingers via foolish five, ten, and twenty dollar purchases.

While small amounts of money invested over time compound into mighty millions, we realized small amounts of money spent over time conversely compound into a very shaky financial footing.

Still arm in arm, we learned to love budgets and paid off our debts. We also give more now and enjoy helping others on their way to less stress and more peace.

But most of all we learned to be good stewards of God's abundance, that it all belongs to him anyway, and we are just the caretakers.

There is so much peace and contentment in this place, and my dear hubbie and I are so grateful now for what my doctor said to me that long ago day:

Can you come back for more tests? Your mammogram shows something unusual.

What a blessing that health scare was!

"The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it." ~Psalm 24:1 (NIV 1984)

Question: Have you ever been fearful or angry about a situation only to see later it was a blessing? 

How can we help you find the blessing where you are?


Linking up with - NOBH, Monday's Musings, Making Your Home Sing Monday, Matrimonial Monday, Playdates with God and Marriage Monday's

This is something that I often forget when the heat is on.

I feel like I need to step in and take control of the "wall" I’ve just hit. I think that by wagging my boney finger in that walls face, it will move or, better yet, bow to my commanding voice!

I think that I’m showing the wall who’s the boss! I’m convincing the wall of my superior logic or dazzling it with my lightening speed and clever comebacks. I’m expecting that the wall will crumble at my feet or cower in the corner—but instead the wall looms ever bigger as I hit it even harder.

The problem is, when I try to control the wall, I’ve already lost the battle. The only thing I’m convincing the wall of, is that I’m reckless with my words, my emotions and, simply put, out of control.

What I need to remember when I feel up against the wall, is that controlling the wall is NOT my only option.

I need to remember that I have a choice to turn a chaotic, out of control situation into one that is yielded—in control—because I can yield myself to God who is always in control.

Christ wants me to intentionally choose to surrender to His power, so that He can bring His grace, peace and redemptive touch to the chaotic situation.

What does that look like, you say?

It looks like …

• A humble admission of my failure.
• A whispered prayer rather than a word spoken in anger.
• A focus on what I can control, instead of trying to control what I can’t.
• A willingness to examine myself, rather than examine my offender’s actions.
• An offer of forgiveness, even if my offender never admits his or her wrong.
• A gentle, loving example that perseveres through this unfair moment—shouldering the wrong, even absorbing the wrong—because that’s what Christ would do.

“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Romans 12:21 (NIV)

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” –Galatians 5:22 (NIV)

photo credit by Steve Snodgrass


Joining with NOBH, Works for Me Wednesday, and To Love Honor and Vacuum

WW rules:

1. Write in any way you feel inspired about marriage, parenthood or anything that reflects Christ's redemption in your life.
2. Be sure to include a link to Wedded Wednesday or add the WW button to your current blog post and/or sidebar.
3. Visit and comment on at least one other person's blog that's linked up here.

Optional but encouraged:

• Consider setting up your Gravatar profile and Disqus Profile with a link to your blog ... it makes it so much easier for all of us to find those of you who blog!
• If you have the time, visit those who visit your blog and comment at their place as well ... sort of a "Say it forward."

My husband and I had a conflict the other day. Hard to believe, I know, since I’m the queen bee of messy marriage! So I asked his permission to share a generalized version with all of you.

Maybe you can learn from our mistakes …

It was dinnertime and my son inadvertently interrupted me. So I corrected my son. My husband didn’t notice it, nor did he support me like I thought he w/should.

I interpreted this as my husband siding with my son. So I confronted my husband in front of our boys (wrong move to do—so I’m not endorsing this, just saying). I guess I should've referred to my own words, 8 Questions - Knowing When to Confront ... imagine that!

In hindsight I realized just how many “triggers” were being set off. Now, triggers are issues that we become overly sensitive to, because we've not dealt sufficiently with the crux of the problem. They are a lot like an overblown balloon. But I am the one who’s responsible for how full that balloon gets. I need to release the air in my “overblown balloon” before it “pops” by:

• Working through any unresolved conflicts.
• Praying through and letting go of bitterness.
• Talking through these “triggers” more fully with my hubby.
• Trusting God to be my Protector in future encounters.

Obviously, I still have a lot of work to do! But I’m bringing up the issue of “triggers” because they are important indicators that both you and your spouse need to pay attention to. Here are just a couple examples of the triggers for me that were present ...

Trigger #1 - my son interrupting me:
This trigger developed because this has been a recent and recurring problem, so I was feeling raw and perhaps more angry than I normally would be. 

Trigger #2 - my husband not supporting me in front of our son:
My husband and I have agreed in past conversations to always (no matter if one of us is acting wrong) side with each other in front of the boys and talk about the “problem” later when we aren’t in front of them—presenting a united front.

Later and in private, my husband and I talked through this problem and were able to take responsibility for how we mishandled it. We exchanged apologies, gained greater clarity on each others' feelings, and made a plan (individually and as a couple) to better handle this type of situation going forward. I felt relieved. I felt like I’d let air out of an over-blown balloon.

How about you?

What triggers or underlying issues are active in the conflicts you have with your spouse?

Have you paid attention to them, analyzed them, worked through them to “let the air out” and lessen their potency? 

If so, what have you discovered that you need to do or change to move forward?

It’s worth evaluating and reassessing a plan or you’re bound to repeat the mistakes of your past.

"He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." Proverbs 17:9 (NIV)

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” –1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)

photo by AMagill

Linking up with - NOBH, Monday's Musings, Making Your Home Sing Monday, Matrimonial Monday, Playdates with God and Marriage Monday's

I have a weekly routine of exercise. When I miss it, like the break I took last week when I was out of town at the Exponential Conference in Florida, I can feel it when I get back to my usual routine.

It doesn’t take more than a week to feel “flabby.”

That’s true of our ability to forgive, as well. If we don’t daily—even all throughout our day—exercise our “forgiveness muscles,” we become flabby. We gravitate toward irritation, argumentativeness and bitterness. But when we choose to forgive on a daily and moment-by-moment basis, ... 

We gain -

• God-awareness.
• Self-awareness.
• Humility.
• Empathy for others, especially for our offender.
• An ability to remain calm, feeling God’s peace when chaos or accusation is present.
• An ability to extend a boundless supply of God’s grace to others.

Look back over the list above and grade yourself on how strong you are in each area.

Would you give yourself an "A", "B", "C" or even worse?

What specific step can you take to improve that grade—moving closer to God and forgiving others?

Tell me about it in the comment section and we’ll cheer each other on to greater strengths in our ability to forgive!


I also want to highlight a couple of amazing blog posts—“Wise Words”—that I've come across recently:

"My Confession" by Alecia at Marriage Life: who shares the hardship and ongoing nature of healing from the betrayal of an affair. So very powerful!

"The Accepting Marriage" by Scott at Choose to Trust: who fleshes out what acceptance in marriage looks like. Believe me, it might not be what you expect! I kept thinking about and chewing on this one for days and days.

My husband and I also had the privilege of getting to meet Scott from Choose to Trust while we were in Florida. It was a “sweet” meeting—especially since Scott paid for our “sweet” drinks (mine was a caramel frappe at Panera! Oh, yeah!).

Here are some pictures taken with my iPhone of what we experienced at the Exponential Conference (sorry for the poor quality on some pics) …

Me and My pastor hubby, Gary

We experienced incredible worship times

She was one of my faves of the band!

Francis Chan really brought it--funny, wise and so very humble!

Joining with NOBH, Works for Me Wednesday, Mom's the Word and To Love Honor and Vacuum

WW rules:

1. Write in any way you feel inspired about marriage, parenthood or anything that reflects Christ's redemption in your life.
2. Be sure to include a link to Wedded Wednesday or add the WW button to your current blog post and/or sidebar.
3. Visit and comment on at least one other person's blog that's linked up here.

Optional but encouraged:

• Consider setting up your Gravatar profile and Disqus Profile with a link to your blog ... it makes it so much easier for all of us to find those of you who blog!
• If you have the time, visit those who visit your blog and comment at their place as well ... sort of a "Say it forward."  

If you’re like me, there’s always going to be some area in your life where you feel “stuck”—especially if you’re in a marriage that’s messy from time to time. {And who doesn't have that?}

Maybe you feel stuck with a spouse who …

• Won’t take responsibility.
• Or who constantly criticizes you.
• Or who pushes you away.

Or

Maybe you feel stuck in a season of life or marriage, like …

• The never-ending “diaper changing” stage.
• Or the “rebellious teenager” stage.
• Or even fearing the “empty-nester” stage, because your spouse feels more like a stranger than a lover to you after all these years.

Whatever your area of “stuck-ness,” I’d love to tell you about a book that just might help and encourage you. It’s written to and for women by Lois Evans—but men, listen up! Because it just might be a great Mother’s Day gift for your wife as well!

The book is, Seasons of a Woman’s Life, and Moody Press has graciously offered to give one copy of it to the winner of this giveaway. All you have to do is enter your email address below and “like” the Igniting Women Facebook page here. I’d also love to hear your answers to the following questions in the comment section, but that’s not required to enter the giveaway—just hoped for!

How have you felt stuck in the past?


How are you feeling stuck right now?


How has God helped you deal with that feeling?


What advice would you give to others struggling with feeling stuck?


Linking up with - NOBH, Monday's Musings, Matrimonial Monday, Playdates with God and Marriage Monday's


Seasons of a Woman's Life Giveaway