Should I post on the Vacillator today, or not?
Um, sure . . . I think I will!
No, wait a minute . . . definitely not!
Well . . . maybe I should!
Just a little sarcasm to get this “love style” train chugging down or perhaps backing up along the proverbial track!
My default love style is Avoider, but I also struggle with the Pleaser and Vacillator love styles given the right circumstances and people to trigger those tendencies in me.
But today I’m talking specifically about the Vacillator’s love style by addressing what creates it (from childhood) and what the Vacillator tends to do in a marriage relationship as well.
I’m sharing insights from the How We Love book that I just finished going through with my women’s small group from my church.
Who is a Vacillator?
They’re the ones who look for an epic romance and/or a deeply passionate connection in their mates.
Since Vacillators love so fiercely and expect so much from their mates, they can easily become disillusioned when a spouse doesn’t match their idealistic standards . . .
Vacillators then typically react with anger whenever disillusionment occurs—trying to control their mates with arguments, manipulation and/or volatility.
If the Vacillator is married to a person with an Avoider, Pleaser, or Victim “love style,” the Vacillator’s “anger” will send these mates scurrying either for cover or into trying to appease the Vacillator whatever way they can.
What tends to create this love style in the Vacillator?
The child who developed a Vacillator love style probably enjoyed a strong connection with one parent or both. Good! Check that parenting box! 😉
This parent-child connection, in time, gets disrupted intermittently by any one of a variety of issues including: divorce, abandonment, or some other type of perceived rejection/withdrawal from a parent.
Unfortunately, “Vacillators” were imprinted in childhood to believe that connection in marriage will prove to be just as unpredictable as it was with their parent(s).
And since Vacillators use intimidation, arguing and the like to pursue (or change) their mates, they actually bring on more of the alienation they fear—throwing them into something of an unending recycling of their childhood pain. #selfsabotage 🙁
How can a Vacillator approach things differently?
- Admit to yourself that you’re a “Vacillator” (Read the book too!).
- Be willing to gently admit your hurts that are lurking underneath your “anger” to your mate.
- Identify and modify any unrealistic expectations of your spouse and relationship.
What are some ways that you can relate to the Vacillator’s love style?
What are some insights you’ve gained in overcoming your “Vacillator” tendencies?
I’d love your help with my “questioning marriage” vlogs where my hubby and I (or just I) respond in video form to questions on the weekend posts. (I apologize for the lack of weekend posts lately. My hard drive failed and other personal issues have flared up preventing me from doing any! I’ll get back in swing of things soon!) You can access that brief, two question survey here. Also, you can access my survey on sexual hang-ups in marriage, where your sexual situation can be described anonymously to me. But be sure to give me enough background information to address it properly. Thanks!
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