Today we’re continuing in our series on forgiveness and reconciliation by addressing how and when to apologize. Click the link, 6 Steps to Effective Boundary Conversations, to read the previous post in this series.

After the first boundary conversation, let’s say it was accepted for the most part. In fact, this is the first of many boundary conversations you’ll need to have in an effort to see eye-to-eye and to reassess as you continue to relate over time—assessing the ways you’ll need to change and improve as well {Since typically there are problems on both sides of a conflicted relationship that need to be addressed}.

As the confronted party, you now know the “groundwork” or first steps you need to take to  begin to repair your negative contribution, so the next important step for you is …

Communicating a well-formed and appropriate apology.

I believe there are many things you’ll want to include in this. In fact, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas wrote an entire book on the subject of apologies, sharing that different people desire different types of apologies—much like the unique “love languages” we all desire.

The different aspects of apology that they outline include: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness.

In my hypothetical example below, I’m going to include all five of these aspects into one apology.*

Let’s say, you’ve communicated that you want your spouse  to learn how to avoid being critical of you and letting his anger erupt at you in conflicted situations.

As the receiver of the boundary, your spouse probably recognizes that he’s been critical at times and that he’s hurt you with his harsh words. However, he may still feel that you’re exaggerating or seeking perfection. Regardless, he’s willing to work on these aspects in his life and the relationship. {This is still a good starting point!}

In other words, don’t expect a perfect and thorough understanding by the confronted party at this point …

[Tweet “Seeing our guilt and responsibility often takes time and many conversations and attempts to change. “]

And …

[Tweet “We may fail more than we succeed at first, because training in a new skill requires ‘failure’ in order to learn.”]

What the apology might sound like …
“Ann, I know that I’ve really hurt you over the years by the critical words I’ve said to you and about you. I want you to know that I’m sorry for that and that I feel terrible about how I’ve hurt you with my words.” {Expressing Regret} …
“I know that I’ve given myself permission to use my harsh words and anger against you as a weapon at times, and I want to change that.” {Accepting Responsibility and Genuinely Repenting} …
“Please forgive me for hurting you in this way.” {Requesting Forgiveness} …
“And I want to learn how to change this hurtful pattern in our relationship. So would you help me to know what I can do to improve or make up for the hurt?” {Making Restitution}

Which of the 5 apology languages is most important for you to hear in an apology?

What helpful insight might you add to the suggestions here?

Next Week, I’ll be addressing: “What if your offender dismisses or resists your boundary conversation?” So I hope you’ll come back by!

*In a reconciliation process, it is best to include all five of the languages of apology. You might be able to simply “ask for forgiveness” with a small infraction and leave it at that. But when dealing with major wounds, you need the support and acknowledgement of all five of the languages of apology to be expressed at some point. Again, this takes time, but should be the goal.

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