Part of what I do as a counselor and life coach is to “speculate.” It’s easy to let this “skill” that’s often appropriate in one setting, carry over to my personal relationships where it is far from appropriate!

In fact, whenever I’m around my hubby and speculate about what someone might think or feel, he very matter-of-factly says, “I’d hate to speculate!” Kinda catchy, don’t ya think?!

Unfortunately, it’s human nature to assume or to try and “fill in the blank” that’s been left in a relationship story. We love to solve mysteries. It makes us feel in control. It makes us feel safe.

But sadly, assuming makes our relationships feel very unsafe.

My husband and I were challenged on the way we think about this issue when we attended the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Leadership conference back in May. The Scazzero’s, who hosted the conference, very bluntly referred to this as, “mind-reading.” 

Geri Scazzero said it’s a boundary violation to assume without asking the other person’s permission to do so. The Scazzero’s suggested that we ask our spouses {or whoever we’re relating to}, “May I read your mind?” or “Can I check out an assumption with you?” 

When we do this, it gives other people the understanding that we aren’t blaming them for something they did or didn’t do, nor are we claiming that they feel a certain way when the truth may be that they don’t. This also demonstrates that we recognize we might be wrong in our assumption {always a helpful and humble position to take!}. And it demonstrates that we respect the other person’s right not to be judged.

It’s important to note that assuming without checking out our assumptions often causes more than just communication break-downs. I’m not being overly-dramatic when I say, it can destroy relationships! You may end up building an entirely faulty view of someone’s feelings/actions, which will cascade into frustration, anger, bitterness and more. In other words, we can cut out much of the hurt and bitterness we experience by simply cutting out our speculation, or by checking out our assumptions with the other person first.

This leaves us free to love and trust, rather than adding another issue to be worked through and forgiven! That’s one less thing I can live without! How about you?

What assumptions have been made about you that have hurt you deeply?

To what degree do you feel the resentment you have towards a particular person is fueled by assumptions rather than the truth?

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