Today is another repost of an oldie {October 2010} but a goodie from my series, “The Top Ten Mistakes I Made in Marriage.” Enjoy!
I grew up in a family that didn’t really know how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way. Often my parents played opposite positions in times of conflict. But neither position brought resolution to the problem, nor did it bring them together as a couple.
They were living at the extremes on a communication continuum. My mother would aggressively confront my dad regarding a problem and my dad would passively run the other way.
In marriage, we tend to follow the example of how our parents related to each other and problem-solved. That’s what I ended up doing. In the early years of my relationship with my husband, I adopted my father’s approach—passively withdrawing from any conflict we had.
Our conversation would go something like this …
My hubby would notice that I was being unusually quiet and avoiding him.
He would then say, “Is something wrong, Beth?”
I would say, “No, I’m fine.” (Often said in a terse and irritated way)
He would then say, “I can tell that something’s wrong! Tell me the truth, Beth!”
I would say, “No, really, I’m fine!” (Though, still not convincing him!)
At that point, he usually pulled out all the stops to figuratively drag me out of my place of hiding. Although, he didn’t really pull me physically, it felt as controlling and harsh as being dragged out of my hiding place!
You might have already guessed that this approach didn’t work.
Go figure!?
Instead, it only made matters worse!
My husband and I were making the same mistakes—operating at the extremes on that communication continuum—that my parents (and truthfully, his too) made in their times of conflict.
I was withdrawing from my husband in steely, cold silence, each time conflict arose. This always felt very much like abandonment or at least harsh rejection to my husband. And as my husband advanced forward—pursuing me with great voracity and indignation—it felt like he had turned from simply desiring openness to waging an all-out attack!
Since we were operating at the communication extremes, we continued to remain deadlocked whenever conflicts arose.
We needed to come toward each other in humility, seeking to understand one another.
The only way through this impasse, both then and now, is to truly seek to understand each other’s perspectives first and foremost. This means stopping our denying, stopping our attacking and simply listening to each other. It means making listening the priority over talking about matters from our own perspectives.
Thankfully, my husband and I began to do this—to listen to one another without an agenda and without all the hiding. In time, it has produced a greater bond, more vulnerability and a deeper oneness in our marriage.
I hope you’ll give it a try the next time conflict erupts between you and your spouse! And let me know, back here, how it goes for you!
Are you still struggling to find that middle ground in times of conflict?
What fears or hesitations get in the way of dealing directly with your spouse when a conflict arises?
I will be returning from my sabbatical the week of August 17th. And boy, do I have a lot of things planned! I’m currently preparing my ebook on the forgiveness series I did this past year that I’ll be sharing with all of my lovely subscribers when I return! I can’t wait to give you all that and much, much more!
Joining with Works for Me Wednesday, Whimsical Wednesday,Wholehearted Wednesday, So Much at Home and Essential Fridays.
Now it’s time for Wedded Wednesday!
And don’t forget to include a link back here, because the easier people can find Wedded Wednesday, the more traffic I can send your way!
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